When I want to let go of everything and clear off my chest, something keeps holding me back. I keep bottling up all my feeling, my dreams, my fears, my concerns, my speeches and never be very open about them. Even though I know God hears my feeling as much as he controls my heartbeats, but in this very moment I wasn’t quite sure.
Today, in the depths of my prayer, I finally didn’t choke up. Nobody has no idea how many times I open my mouth, but no words came out. I started off weeping then it got harder catching my heavily breaths, but eventually I started talking. I did all of this for a reason, I had a letter for God.
In my letter, I did thank Him about the blessings. I really meant it. I only had one concern, that He doesn’t listen to my prayers any longer. I was sad, from Him. For not letting me give up, for forbidding the only and most important thing I do need. I know You can look through my eyes, and through me, why can’t You see I’m breaking from the inside? Dear God, why can’t You see its SO hard? Why can’t I just give up and no longer be me? I am not sure what will happen if I give up my life, but the one thing I’m sure about, is that everything’s going to get better.
I ended my prayer and I really wanted him to listen to me this time, and to feel me.
Later on, in a typical boring day, I met my friend. We talked, as always, and out of the blue I started crying. I don’t know what went wrong, this isn’t me, even when I’m on my period hormones don’t get me this way. Surprisingly, everything felt great when she grabbed my hand. I felt such warmth, maybe it wasn’t only hers. I felt God warmth next to me, as if he’s checking up on me and making sure I was fine. I felt safe.. A sigh full of relief, after such an intense day I was so happy to go home and rest.
On my way, my mobile phone buzzed ( I made it on vibration earlier.) Ohhhhhhhhh, my friend.. I haven’t talked to her for 4 months. We did talk for a little bit and as shocking as the call was it felt like her words were God’s answer for my letter. She kept reminding me with things I really blew off, with not much words. I felt this kind of good weird feeling. I took a minute after we hung up and before I go to sleep.
I prayed in this minute, because I had another letter. A better letter.
Thank You for listening to me, thank You for forgiving me, thank You for being beside me when no o
ne was, thank You for letting my friends do too, for in the darkest days, you did put the best people in my life. I can’t thank You enough, You gave me too many blessing. And all I gave was too little.
When I gave up faith, You didn’t give up on me. You connected to me in the ways You knew I’d listen, cherish and understand.
I got to know that I’m never alone, You’re here. Always.