The Postponed Letter.

When I want to let go of everything and clear off my chest, something keeps holding me back. I keep bottling up all my feeling, my dreams, my fears, my concerns, my speeches and never be very open about them. Even though I know God hears my feeling as much as he controls my heartbeats, but in this very moment I wasn’t quite sure.

Today, in the depths of my prayer, I finally didn’t choke up. Nobody has no idea how many times I open my mouth, but no words came out. I started off weeping then it got harder catching my heavily breaths, but eventually I started talking. I did all of this for a reason, I had a letter for God.

In my letter, I did thank Him about the blessings. I really meant it. I only had one concern, that He doesn’t listen to my prayers any longer. I was sad, from Him. For not letting me give up, for forbidding the only and most important thing I do need. I know You can look through my eyes, and through me, why can’t You see I’m breaking from the inside? Dear God, why can’t You see its SO hard? Why can’t I just give up and no longer be me? I am not sure what will happen if I give up my life, but the one thing I’m sure about, is that everything’s going to get better.

I ended my prayer and I really wanted him to listen to me this time, and to feel me.

Later on, in a typical boring day, I met my friend. We talked, as always, and out of the blue I started crying. I don’t know what went wrong, this isn’t me, even when I’m on my period hormones don’t get me this way. Surprisingly, everything felt great when she grabbed my hand. I felt such warmth, maybe it wasn’t only hers. I felt God warmth next to me, as if he’s checking up on me and making sure I was fine. I felt safe.. A sigh full of relief, after such an intense day I was so happy to go home and rest.

On my way, my mobile phone buzzed ( I made it on vibration earlier.) Ohhhhhhhhh, my friend.. I haven’t talked to her for 4 months. We did talk for a little bit and as shocking as the call was it felt like her words were God’s answer for my letter. She kept reminding me with things I really blew off, with not much words. I felt this kind of good weird feeling. I took a minute after we hung up and before I go to sleep.

I prayed in this minute, because I had another letter. A better letter.
Dear God,
Thank You for listening to me, thank You for forgiving me, thank You for being beside me when no one was, thank You for letting my friends do too, for in the darkest days, you did put the best people in my life. I can’t thank You enough, You gave me too many blessing. And all I gave was too little.
When I gave up faith, You didn’t give up on me. You connected to me in the ways You knew I’d listen, cherish and understand.
I got to know that I’m never alone, You’re here. Always.

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